(Steve started the article with his picks, but the rest is from your good buddy Hallam, just so you are aware of who the narrative is from)
We are about halfway through the NFL season and through eight weeks in the Parlay we are really tight. Only three games separate me (aka The King) from Jonesy in the basement (aka The Court Jester), so anything can still happen. We are in the first weekend of November as the weather starts getting cooler here in the Northeast, the competition in the Five Game Parlay gets hotter. Steve pulled himself out of the basement with a 4-1 week which puts Jonesy in last at this moment. In a turn of events as shocking as the fact that Steve found a woman to have sex with him, I’m actually still in the lead. Let’s take a look at this week’s picks and the standings!
Ryan 21-19 (2-3) @fightingchance
Kristi 19-20-1 (3-2) @shinypompoms
Steve 18-21-1 (4-1) @fantasygeek37
Jonesy 18-22 (2-3) @funnyjones
Five Game Parlay Week 9
Ryan’s Picks
New Orleans Saints (-3) over San Francisco 49ers. My team stinks, and I don’t care that they are coming off a bye week. There’s no way in the world that I see San Francisco being able to muster enough offense to keep up with New Orleans. I know the Saints defense sucks too, but the Niners don’t have the weapons to take advantage of it. They might not get blown out, but I see the Saints winning this one by ten.
Green Bay Packers (-7) over Indianapolis Colts. I wanted to pick the Lions over the Vikings but I just chickened out. I just think the Colts defense is just too crappy to be able to hold back Aaron Rodgers. The Pack run defense is awesome which should make Andrew Luck one dimensional which means the Packers should be able to pin their ears back and stalk the quarterback. Look for Green Bay to win this one by two touchdowns.
Oakland Raiders (PK) over Denver Broncos. I am a believer in the Oakland Raiders and David Carr and Michael Crabtree and Amari Cooper, and the defense being just good enough. I’m sure that even Trevor Siemien will be able to put up some points, but I also think that the Raiders will be able to squeak this one out in 2016 Raider fashion to put them in first place for the division.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+9.5) over Kansas City Chiefs. Damn it Jacksonville! Don’t let me down again! You are playing the Chiefs who are on their backup quarterback to Alex Smith, and their THIRD running back. If you can’t beat Nick Foles and Charcanwhoeverheis West, then you might as well pack it in for the year. At worst I’m hoping for a backdoor cover on the garbage time which is when Blake Bortles looks like a Pro Bowler.
Sorry Kristi…..but this is really funny!
Dallas Cowboys (-7) over Cleveland Browns. The Browns are bad? How bad? Really bad. Do they have a chance at 0-16? I highly doubt it will get that bad. They do get rookie receiver Corey Coleman back this week, but I think they will leave a big skidmark in the underpants of the franchise and lose this one by two touchdowns. Ezekiel Elliott is going to steamroll them, and Dak Prescott makes plays when he needs to. What can Brown do for you? Not a damn thing!
Jonesy’s Picks
Our good buddy Jonesy has had one of those weeks. You know the one where the landlord helps his way into your apartment building and he sits in a chair in the corner of your bedroom with some popcorn while you are having sex with your girlfriend and pleads with you “just a little longer”. Then your dog pees in your Cheerios when you go out and get the newspaper but you don’t realize it until there’s a yellow hue in the bottom of the bowl. Then you get to work and that guy that you hate more than anyone else gets the promotion over you and rubs his ass in your face while you are at your desk trying to finish your TPS reports. And just when you are about to get to work riding your bicycle you hit a pothole and go ass over teakettle just as a car drives by and splashes an entire mud puddle all over your new clothes……….actually none of that happened to Jonesy this week. But he wasn’t able to give us any of his usual awesome stories before his picks. He did send in his picks with his usual salutation, so here they are.
Denver Broncos (PK) over Oakland Raiders
Green Bay Packers (-7) over Indianapolis Colts
Minnesota Vikings (-6.5) over Detroit Lions
Philadelphia Eagles (+2.5) over New York Giants
Miami Dolphins (-4) over New York Jets
Much love for you
Jonesy
Kristi’s Picks
Detroit Lions (+6.5) over Minnesota Vikings. Hey Minnesota… Get it together! Their offense is going to shit. Sam Bradford played horribly last week. I have the Vikings Defense in Fantasy Football and I wasn’t impressed with them last week either. Detroit has Matthew Stafford aiming to some decent Receivers and Riddick to run around a bit. The Geek’s team has been looking pretty good this year even in their losses. Plus, Steve’s kid is good luck and although my Dawg’s didn’t win last week, they did cover the spread for us. This week it’s Detroit’s turn. Sharing is caring.
Pittsburgh Steelers (+2) over Baltimore Ravens. The question is does the Steelers offense get stuck with backup Quarterback Landry that has led them to two straight losses or do they get Ben Roethlisberger back from his knee injury? I am pretty sure Ben is going to play since he has been practicing albeit limited. This is a big Rival game in the AFC North. The Ravens have a decent offense but if Ben plays this spread is a gift. Happy Birthday. Should be a fun game to watch with two decent defenses as well.
Carolina Panthers (-3) over Los Angeles Rams. I won’t be watching this one. Ugh. Did the Panthers wake up last week from an extended slumber? Someone reminded them it was football season? I guess some need more rest than others. The Rams still blow though. Case Keenum has had some rest too, but last time he played he couldn’t seem to remember what team he played for. Cam Newton pulls a rabbit out of his fancy hat and they win this one.
ouch
New Orleans Saints (-3) over San Francisco 49ers. Sorry Ryan, your team is atrocious. Kind of like the late 70’s and early 80’s laugh tracks on Jonesy’s awesome show The Edge… which actually makes it kind of funny. I really enjoyed listening to Jonesy and his guest, Author Greg Bishop, talk about Greg’s new Alien book. Anybody who takes the time to contemplate Aliens is awesome in my book! Anyways, the 49ers are laughable and Drew Brees is going to throw it over their heads all day. Ryan will be loudly pouring lots of wine.
Denver Broncos (PK) over Oakland Raiders. Now this game I will be watching! I love a contest and this will be a good one for the AFC West fans. Derek Carr was great to watch against Tampa last week which is why they won. Unfortunately they lost two football fields worth of Penalties during that win. Carr is not going to be able to pull that off again against the defending Super Bowl Champs Defense. Broncos Quarterback Trevor Siemian isn’t all that good, but there is a lot of offensive talent on this team. The Raiders defense leaves a lot to be desired and they’re gonna choke this week, right along with Ryan and his lead. Denver tramples them as usual.
Steve’s Picks
That’s what I’m talkin ’bout! I’ve tried every conceivable method in the books in order to do well in this competition and nothing worked. Since things like doing a deep dive into statistics didn’t work, last week I decided to pick my teams based on which city I would rather visit. Wouldn’t you know it…I ended up going 4-1! Because of that, I’ve decided to do an equally ridiculous method and see if I can’t score another good week. Let’s pick the games based on which team’s mascot I think is better!
Pittsburgh Steelers (+2) over Baltimore Ravens. This one was the easiest one for me. I wish I was more of a “manly man”, but unfortunately, that wasn’t in my DNA. Thanks a lot, dad! Anyways, we have a rugged, steel worker with a chin that could cut concrete versus a chubby Raven. At least the Raven has a pretty cool name, “Poe”, after Edgar Allen Poe, but that doesn’t make up for him being such an embarrassment to Baltimore. 
Detroit Lions (+6.5) over Minnesota Lions. This isn’t a homer pick, I promise. Roary the Lion is a pretty badass mascot. The Lions may be the laughing stock of the league (at least one of them…sorry, Cleveland fans), but their mascot is a winner. However, I think Minnesota should have made an effort to make their Viking a little more mean looking. He looks more like the first cousin of Yosemite Sam than someone who should be inspiring fear into their opponents.
Please don’t’ take off your Santa hat…
Jacksonville Jaguars (+9.5) over Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, it doesn’t hurt that Alex Smith and Spencer Ware will be out this week for the Chiefs, but Kansas City may have the most ridiculous mascot in the NFL. They are the Chiefs and their mascot is a silly looking Wolf??? I’m missing something here. Jacksonville’s isn’t necessarily great either, but it looks like he may be at least a little entertaining. You should be ashamed of yourself, Kansas City. They didn’t even bother to make his eyes straight. I think my three year old Sawyer could have came up with a better mascot.
Seattle Seahawks (-6.5) over Buffalo Bills. I know Hallam is going to hate to hear this, being that he hates the Seahawks so much, but Seattle knows how to do a mascot. They didn’t have much to work with trying to make a mascot of a “Seahawk”, but they did a great job. He’s a mean looking, bird that even has a cool name…Blitz. Billy the Buffalo just doesn’t measure up. It looks like his creator watched the movie Monsters, Inc and decided to turn Sully into a Buffalo. 
Oakland Raiders (even) over Denver Broncos. I have to be honest. I have no fricken idea what the “Raider Rusher” is. He’s a huge head with arms and legs, but no torso. How does he take a pee? Miles, the Bronco isn’t necessarily bad, but I have to give credit to people who come up with ideas for mascots while tripping on acid. Maybe the Raiders are hiring and I can get hooked up with a job where I can do psychadelic drugs all day. God bless the U S of A!
Hallam Note: Steve put in all of these pictures by his picks by himself. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it looked ridiculous
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