Ryan is too damn busy with a Halloween party that he is making pool ‘ol me do the Five Game Parlay write up this week. While he’s getting drunk, eating all kinds of food and partying like a rockstar, I get stuck at home all by lonesome, doing his dirty work. Damn you, Hallam!
Anyways, here’s the standings after seven weeks. You can see that Ryan is still in the lead and I’m falling further back. Kristi and Jonesy are fighting for second place, but as long as one of them catches Ryan, I’ll be happy. Enjoy and make sure to follow all of us on Twitter!
Ryan 19-16 @fightingchance
Kristi 16-18-1 @shinypompoms
Jonesy 16-19 @funnyjones
Steve 14-20-1 @fantasygeek37
Ryan’s Picks
I have a feeling that Ryan will look something like this after his Halloween Party
Detroit Lions (+2.5) over Houston Texans. The Lions pass defense is about as scary as the scene from The Exorcist where Raegan’s head spins all of the way around or she stabs her crotch with a crucifix, but even scarier is the way that Brock Osweiler is playing quarterback right now. Lamar Miller will be limited at best, and I think the Lions stay on a roll and win this one outright.
Cleveland Browns (+4.5) over New York Jets. The Jets schedule to this point has been about as daunting as some of the elaborate traps set by Jigsaw in the Saw movies. They now have reached the end of that treacherous maze and get an easier game against the Browns. However, the Browns have been fighters this year, and have been at least competitive in most games. I like them at home getting more than a field goal against a Jets team that I don’t feel is that good. Look for Josh McCown to play the part of the pretty virgin in horror movies and stay alive until the end and win.
Oakland Raiders (+1.5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I really like Jameis Winston and the Bucs, especially with little pinballer, Jacquizz Rodgers leading the backfield. However, what weekend is it more apt for the Raiders to win than Halloween? Have you seen the Black Hole and their crazy fans and how they dress on Sunday? Yes, I know the game is in Tampa, but that’s not the point! Oh, and that guy David Carr is really damn good too and I love him and getting point from an average Tampa team. (Editor’s Note from Steve-David Carr was a bust at quarterback, but DEREK Carr is playing fairly well for the Raiders. I could have just changed it for him, but I wanted to try and make Ryan feel dumb for his mistake).
San Diego Chargers (+5.5) over Denver Broncos. Winner of two in a row, the Chargers are doing ok. The big problem is the Denver defense never stops coming at the quarterback like Jason Voorhees never stops coming out after camp counselors having premarital sex. However, Melvin Gordon is having a huge sophomore season, and the passing game is really clicking. In a divisional game where the two teams know each other well, I’ll take the Chargers and the points.
Arizona Cardinals (+3) over Carolina Panthers. Sure Carolina is better than they have played so far, but they are nowhere near the team they were last season. The Cardinals’ David Johnson is like Negan’s bat Lucille, as he just turns defenses into useless mush like certain character’s brains on the show. I don’t think the Panthers have enough offense to keep up with Johnson, nor the defensive acumen to stop the run. Arizona is just a flat out better team than Carolina, and I’m getting a field goal. Yes please!
Kristi’s Picks
Happy Halloween! I am feeling very creepy this year and have devised my costume. There was all of this scary Clown business and I am an opportunist. There will be a big bowl of M&M mini bags on the front stoop. I will be hiding behind the bushes watching. When a kid takes more than two, I am going to jump out of the bushes and run toward them screaming NOBODY LIKES GREEDY KIDS! That will teach them. I am just fixing up my Steven King “It” style clown make up and listening to “The Monster Mash” by Bobby Pickett and ready to screw up some picks this week.
Cleveland Browns (+4.5) over New York Jets
I was working in the lab, late one night…When my eyes beheld an eerie sight.
For my Dawgs from their slab, began to rise… And suddenly to my surprise…
Sawyer was in this competition last year and would be more than happy to share his Sonic costume with Kristi!
The Browns Won the Game! Yeah that doesn’t really fit well, but if the Browns can’t beat the Jets I am going down to the casino and betting that 300 something to 1 line for an 0-16 season. They are right up there with the 2008 Detroit Lions. It’s freaking Halloween guys and the Browns are Orange guys so, like, they have to win. The Cleveland Browns franchise has had 26 different quarterbacks start since the franchise returned in 1999. Next year they should just draft 10 to be prepared. The Geek has a spare Sonic the Hedgehog Costume. I am going to toss it on Pryor and let him steam roll through the Jet’s Defense. I will bet against Ryan Fitzpatrick, sit in the pumpkin patch and wait for the Great Win
Minnesota Vikings (-6) over Chicago Bears
From my laboratory in the castle east… To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes.. To get a jolt from my electrodes…
Grab the crash cart! The Bears, like my Dawgs, are on life support and might get some love playing at home. Our fans are taking solace in baseball. Minnesota’s formidable defense will be feasting on Chicago’s offense. They will probably get a touchdown picking off Jay Cutler. Sam Bradford is going to steal all of their Candy and Ryan will probably eat it. He’s too lazy to get up off his ass and get his own.
Cincinnati Bengals (-3) over Washington Redskins
The zombies were having fun… The party had just begun
The guests included Wolfman, Dracula, and his son!
Speaking of Zombies, if you missed the Fighting Chance Fantasy Sports Show Wednesday, you missed every spoiler that flew out of Ryan’s wine stained lips (Editor’s Note-I apologize to everyone who heard Ryan’s spoiler filled tirade on Wednesday night). This weeks guest John Halpin and The Geek are good guys and will go outside and gives the kids Candy while they get sloshed. Toss them a few bags of M&Ms and a few thousand football stats. When the Bengals return from London they will still be adding orange ones and subtracting red ones. Both teams need this win, but I think this comes down to Andy Dalton and the Bengal’s pass offense against the Redskins Defense. London deserves a good game!
New England Patriots (-6.5) over Buffalo Bills
The scene was rockin’, all were digging the sounds… Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive…With their vocal group, ‘The Crypt-Kicker Five’
I can’t wait to watch this game! The Bills need this game and they are not going to get it. There will be no holding Bill Belichick and The Brady Bunch back on chains or anything else when they steam roll the Bills Sunday. LeSean McCoy is doubtful. This time the Patriots have Tom Brady. I am breaking out the Red, White and Blue Jello Shots for this one and turning up the mic so Jonesy can sing with me. He loves karaoke too! Nanu Nanu.
Dallas Cowboys (-4) over Philadelphia Eagles
Out from his coffin, Drac’s voice did ring… Seems he was troubled by just one thing
Opened the lid and shook his fist and said…”Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?
Whatever happened to Tony Romo? Keep resting my friend. This should be a great game to watch on both sides. Dallas led by Dak Prescott and my man Ezekiel Elliott. These two, talented Rookies have done the unthinkable and for the first time in my life, I enjoy watching a Dallas game for a reason other than rooting for them to lose. Carson Wentz is no slacker either. Hop that man up on some Candy Corn and he’ll be good. I like the Eagles this year too, but they do a lot better at home. I could see these two teams playing for the division title this year. The Geek and I might do that in our Fantasy League too, since Parlay appears to be Ryan’s only way to beat me at anything. Great game last week Brother! I did the Mash! I did the Ryan Smash. *Touchdown Dance*
Happy Halloween Football Fans. Party it up. When you get to my door, tell them Shiny sent you!
Jonesy’s Picks
New Orleans Saints (+2.5) over Seattle Seahawks
Just a song we shared, I’ll hear
Brings memories back when you were here
Of your smile, your easy laughter
Of your kiss, those moments after
Cleveland Browns (+4.5) over New York Jets
I think of you,
And think of you
And think of you.
Indianapolis Colts (+2.5) over Kansas City Chiefs
Of the dreams, we dreamt together
Of the love we vowed would never
Melt like snowflakes in the sun
My days now end as they begun
Atlanta Falcons (-3) over Green Bay Packers
With thoughts of you,
And I think of you
And think of you.
Cincinnati Bengals (-3) over Washington Redskins
Down the streets I walked with you
Seeing others doing things we do
Now these thoughts are haunting me
Oh how complete I used to be
And in these times that we’re apart
I’ll hear this song that breaks my heart
And I think of you
And I think of you…
Happy Halloween
Jonesy
Steve’s Picks
Nothing is working. I can’t pick a game right to save my life, so this week I’m going to try a different strategy. Ages ago, I used to work for a rental car company. Durning football season, a co-worker and I used to print up all the NFL games and their spreads, take them to all of our accounts to pick the games, and then whoever picked the most games correctly, we would buy them pizza the following week. I still remember one insurance agency in particular. There were three ladies in the office who knew absolutely nothing about football. They would pick the games by what town they would rather visit. They used this strategy successfully and had a stretch where they won three out seven weeks in a pool of roughly thirty entries. I’m hoping the good ol’ days don’t let me down and put me right back in the thick of the action.
New Orleans Saints (+2.5) over Seattle Seahawks. This is the easiest one out of the bunch. The Big Easy is a helluva town. I remember being there many years ago, and as we were walking towards Bourbon Street, we approached a voodoo shop. Right outside the shop was the biggest, black man I have ever seen (looked like Ving Rhames) and when I looked at him, his eyes were completely white. I then turned onto Bourbon Steet and the first door I saw was wide open and inside a completely empty room, was an elderly women in a rocking chair, wearing sunglasses. I can’t make this stuff up, but sign me up for more of it! Who the hell wants to go to a place where it’s always raining, just to hang out with a bunch of hipsters in a Starbucks anyways? I’m buying a truckload of beads and heading to Mardi Gras!!!
Atlanta Falcons (-3) over Green Bay Packers. I like cheese, but if that’s the main reason why you’re telling me to come to your state, you have to try a little harder. I will take the women of Hot-lanta and make it rain in the stri…errrr, night club until the break of dawn. Or at least until my bedtime at 10pm. It’s hard to stay up late anymore.
This shrimp cocktail will knock your socks off! If you’re ever in downtown Indianapolis, you have to get it.
Kansas City Chiefs (-2.5) over Indianapolis Colts. This is a tough one. I’ve been to Indianapolis many, many times and it’s the home of my favorite restaurant, St. Elmo’s. Their shrimp cocktail is absolutely amazing! However, after a big night of pouring champagne all over strippers in Atlanta, the next logical thing to do is to head over to KC and get some barbecue. Mmm…barrrrrrbeque.
Denver Broncos (-5.5) over San Diego Chargers. I’ve never been to Denver before, but now that my kids are skiing, I think it’s time to head out west to the Rockies and hit the slopes. I have poor enough stamina right now and in the high altitude of Denver, I’m sure I will lose my breath just tying my shoes (although I pretty much already do), but I’m ready to join Sonny Bono on a ski trip. Too soon?
Cleveland Browns (+6) over NY Jets. Cleveland??? Yeah, I know most people may not want to go to Cleveland, but after partying on Bourbon Street and Atlanta, filling up on Bar-B-Q in KC and then skiing out west, I need to take a break. I’m a huge fan of music and a nice relaxing stroll (or an amigo ride for fatty) through the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame, might be a nice way to end my vacation. Cleveland rocks!
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