It was another stinky week for the four Five Game Parlay pickers, as only Steve was able to break .500. He, like most of us, fell victim to the Steelers upset loss to the Dolphins, and also had a tie with the Texans on Sunday night. Your FIRST PLACE participant, Ryan only went 2-3 along with funny man Jonesy who had the same record. Our rookie Kristi had her first really poor week where she went 1-3-1. She now falls to third place by just a half a game behind Jonesy and still well within shouting distance of the lead. We head towards the end of October and things are really going to start heating up now. Without further ado, here are the standings and picks!
Five Game Parlay Week 7
Ryan 16-14 (@fightingchance)
Jonesy 15-15 (@funnyjones)
Kristi 14-15-1 (@shinypompoms)
Steve 13-16-1 (@fantasygeek37)
Ryan’s Picks
Three of the four of us root for the crappiest teams in the Browns, Lions, and my beloved 49ers. And Jonesy is the only smart one who is a Patriots fan. This week I thought I would piss everyone off and pick against their teams. And then I realized that the Patriots were playing the Steelers without Roethlisberger and I immediately thought twice about that one. But the other teams still suck so here goes.
Washington Redskins (+1) over Detroit Lions. Let’s start with Steve’s Lions. They somehow found a way to win a game last week, but they are one of the best teams in finding creative ways to lose games. How are they favored to beat ANYONE? Good question, I don’t get it either, so Hail To The Redskins! Kirk Cousins is bad, but he isn’t this bad!
Cincinnati Bengals (-9.5) over Cleveland Browns. Next let’s visit Kristi’s Browns. They are among the most pathetic franchises in football right now, although they have some nice young pieces and what looks like a decent future ahead of them. However, the future doesn’t include this week against a Bengals team that is dying for an easy game, and they got one. Look for the Ginger General Andy Dalton to throw for over 300 yards and three scores.
MY TEAM SUCKS! AGAIN!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-2) over San Francisco 49ers. I won’t let my own shitbag team off the hook here. They gave up 45 effing points to the freaking Bills last week, and the Buccaneers are a better offense. Jameis Winston is going to have one of his monster games and make the Niners look silly in front of their home crowd.
Oakland Raiders (+1) over Jacksonville Jaguars. While I love both team’s passing attacks, their defense both suck a big one. However, I have more faith in the Raiders on both sides of the ball, and I see absolutely no way that the Jaguars can be favored in a game. Oakland has been masterful on the road, so I see no reason why they can’t beat the punching bag Jags.
Baltimore Ravens (PK) over New York Jets. Geno Smith at quarterback? Bahahahaahhaha. Can the Jets become a bigger joke? No way that assclown can score on the Ravens defense enough to win. Give me Baltimore ALL DAY.
Jonesy’s Picks
Hi everyone,
Ryan is still in first place and he’s probably counting his winnings in his head. Perhaps he’s making plans to get a new minvan or even a snowblower or some other soul-crushing piece of suburban machinery. Be careful what you wish for, Mr. Hallam.
Jonesy’s friend Greg proves that even when you win on scratch offs, you don’t really win
Let me tell you a story about my friend Greg. He and I were fast friends back in a time when I drank too much booze. Greg and I worked together and drank together. Often we would carpool together and one morning on the way to work we stopped to get gas at Cumberland Farms. While I filled the tank Greg went inside the store for coffee. He came out with a couple scratch tickets. Before we drove he held them up and allowed me to pick one of those tickets. We then scratched them and right before my eyes I watched Greg win $5,000 on the ticket that earlier was a half inch away from being my own. Dammit. I was a mess back then and could’ve used that cash. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. What did Greg do with that money? He bought a truck. It was a cool looking truck with a lift kit and Greg thought he was the shit.
Cut to a few months later, that truck ended up being a real lemon. I mean it was a real shit machine and caused him many problems and cost him more than the 5k he bought it with just to keep it on the road. Looking back on it, I think Greg wished he hadn’t bought that thing and maybe even that he didn’t win that 5k scratch ticket.
Why am I telling this story? I dunno. Ryan’s not gonna win this anyway. Remember last year when he was beat by an infant?
Good luck this week.
xo
Jonesy
Baltimore Ravens (PK) over New York Jets
Seattle Seahawks (+2) over Arizona Cardinals
Atlanta Falcons (-6.5) over San Diego Chargers
Minnesota Vikings (-2) over Philadelphia Eagles
Los Angeles Rams (+2.5) over New York Giants
Steve’s Picks
This season has so far been a complete failure for me. Honestly, I expected to be in the lead by at least four games over these other jokers at this point and I’ve spent a lot of time crying in the shower over my ineptness at picking these stupid games. That means it’s time to switch things up a bit. This week, I am going to be looking at how team rank in rushing/passing (both offense and defense) and by predicting how the game will flow, I am going to predict the outcome. 5-0, here I come!
This is pretty much Steve every week, except with a much smaller bank account!
Washington Redskins (+1) over Detroit Lions. I want to first say that this game isn’t about my disdain for the Lions. They disappoint me every year and I try as much as possible to avoid them in my parlay picks. This isn’t about that. This is about the fact that the Redskins are fifth in the league in passing (276 yards per game) and the Lions rank 23rd in pass defense. That’s a plus matchup for Kirk Cousins. Not only that, but Detroit ranks 21st in rush defense while Washington is 12th in rush yards per game and Matt Jones seems to be coming into his own. With the Lions rushing game in shambles right now, I see Matthew Stafford holding is own until he throws one or two of his patented interceptions to seal the win for the Redskins. Washington 27 – Detroit 20.
Jacksonville Jaguars (-1) over Oakland Raiders. I’m not a homer for Jacksonville like Ryan is, but I really like their chances this weekend. As far as rankings go, Oakland has no real advantage over the defense of the Jacksonville. The Raiders rank 10th and 13th in passing yards and rushing yards while the Jaguars rank eighth and 14th in pass and rush defense. Looking at the other side of it though, gives me reason for optimism for the Jags. Their rushing game sucks (31st), but so does the Raiders rush defense (30th). Where they have an advantage is Jacksonville ranks 15th in passing while the Raiders are dead last in the league (32nd) in pass defense. The Raiders have been an embarrassment giving up over 300 yards passing per game. Blake Bortles and Allen Robinson have a huge game and Jacksonville wins this one 34-24.
Kansas City Chiefs (-7) over New Orleans Saints. Here’s the thing. Drew Brees is not the same quarterback on the road as he is at home. Last season he threw for 2,853 yards and 23 touchdowns at home while only 2,017 yards and nine touchdowns on the road. That trend is continuing this year as he’s averaging almost 400 yards passing with almost four scores per game while at home. In two games on the road, he’s averaging only 235 yards and 1.5 touchdowns per game. The Chiefs are also 19th in passing yards and 14th in rushing yards versus the Saints who rank 31st in pass defense and 26th in rush defense. Kansas City should be able to move the ball at will and I give them this one 27-17.
New England Patriots (-7) over Pittsburgh Steelers. New England is a completely different team with Tom Brady at the helm. In the first four games without Brady, the Pats relied heavily on LeGarrette Blount and the rushing game and the passing game was at the bottom of the NFL. Brady has been back for two games and after throwing for almost 400 yards and three touchdowns in each game, New England has moved up to eighth in the NFL in passing yards. Pittsburgh is 30th out of 32 teams in pass defense and that tells me that Brady should be in for a field day against the Steelers. I do expect Pittsburgh to try and lean on Le’Veon Bell a lot however, to try and keep the ball out of Brady’s hands. That could keep this from being a being a complete blowout, but Landry Jones just isn’t Ben Roethlisberger and New England takes this one 38-24.
Tennessee Titans (-3) over Indianapolis Colts. This one comes down to one thing. Tennessee is 3rd in the league in rushing and Indy ranks 25th in rush defense. That means the Titans should be able to play ball control and limit the ball being in the hands of the Colts’ best weapon, Andrew Luck. Marcus Mariota has put up a couple of good games in a row and quite honestly, the Colts suck. Titans take this one 31-24.
Kristi’s Picks
My new laptop was defective and they will not fix it. Cheap ass greedy jerks! Not can’t, but won’t. This old laptop has some kind of death virus on it so I got stuck this week and Ryan was kind enough to give me his picks. I couldn’t do much worse than last week so this week is Opposite Week! Opposite Ryan week. I can’t do any looking things up so… Maybe there is hope… After last week new theories are in order! I actually agree with his picks so let us spin the Roulette wheel!
Ryan said he picked against most of our teams. I do not see Jonesy’s Patriots on that list. This is good for me. Let’s Roll!
Detroit Lions (-1) over Washington Redskins. Lions have won their last two home Games. I honestly believe even if The Geek does not that his team is better than their Record shows. We’ll go with the Raaawr again. Ryan’s probably going to be laughing at me and spitting wine on the keyboard reading this. Have a Very Merry Unbirthday Brother.
HAHAHAHAHA
Cleveland Browns (+9.5) over Cincinnati Bungals,I mean Bengles 
Screw the Bungles. The Browns are gonna go Beast Mode! *A fans Private Wet Dreams” I can actually pick this game with a straight face. Browns have Kessler starting so there is hope. It is a challenge to play without a Quarterback and they keep getting slammed with injuries. I am concerned about the possibility of Pryor not playing but they still have a decent run game. The Cleveland Defense is going to need to step up to defend the Bengals duo of Andy Dalton and A.J. Green.
San Francisco 40 freaking Niners (+2) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They are screwed so they might win! Last week went poorly for the 49ers and it seems like they should be getting way more points here! I did well the week I did our pity picks and I bypassed Ryan’s so this is a good chance based on my pity pick success history. Go Niners! May the odds be ever in your favor.
Jacksonville Jaguars (-1) over Oakland Raiders. The Raiders have been doing good on the road but Jacksonville has been improving. If Blake Bortles can connect with his receivers this could be an opportunity for some great scoring against the Raiders pass defense. It’s all about who is going to step up and play this week. I’m going to need a few of those 40’s Jonesy!
New York Jets over Ravens on a straight point win. Morpheus: “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” I’m gonna swallow the red pill and wake up in a world the Jets are going to win. If Flacco doesn’t suit up the Jets have a chance but he did Practice Friday. These games have been very unpredictable so I still think they can pull it off on a few Hail Mary plays and some onside Kicks. Pretty much all of my Facebook friends consider this a hopeless game, but those seem to be the ones that cover lately.
Thank you again for helping me out Ryan. The Opposites shall rule!
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