We have a NEW leader in the clubhouse after five weeks of the Five Game Parlay! And that leader is MEEEEEEE! Hallam was 4-1 in Week 5 with only the Eagles who somehow found a way to lose to the lowly Lions kept me from a perfect week. The Vikings, Eagles, Colts, and Titans all gave me wins and allowed me to take over the top spot for the season. Jonesy was 3-2 on the week and he has tied for second place. Last week’s leader, Kristi, was 2-3 for the week and fell out of the top spot by one game as she was robbed by her own Cleveland Browns. Finally, getting comfortable in the cellar is Steve, who won just one game last week. He is now four games out of the lead and has put himself in an early hole.
Why don’t I stop babbling and get to the Week 6 picks, and more importantly the standings through five games. Oh, and follow us all on Twitter.
Ryan 14-11 (4-1) @fightingchance
Kristi 13-12 (2-3) @shinypompoms
Jonesy 13-12 (3-2) @funnyjones
Steve 10-15 (1-4) @fantasygeek37
Ryan’s Picks
I make fun, but the Steelers have been helping me win all year
Pittsburgh Steelers (-8) over Miami Dolphins. The Steelers are absolutely rolling right now, and the Dolphins suck something awful. When I say suck, I mean SUCK! I’m talking $5 hooker in a back alley suck. Ryan Tannehill has regressed more than I ever thought possible, and they are completely unable to run the ball. Now that Sammie Coates is scoring touchdowns, this offense is basically impossible to stop. Look for James Harrison and the Steelers to stomp a mudhole in the Dolphins ass and win by two touchdowns.
San Francisco 49ers (+8) over Buffalo Bills. This might be a homer pick, I’m not sure. I’ve watched the Niners all season long, and they have caused me to cry, drink, puke, and crap my pants they have been so bad. However, the Bills aren’t very good either. This week my beloved Niners have gone back to Colin Kaepernick at quarterback, which is the last hope of the Niners making anything of the season. I have no idea if he is capable of playing well anymore, but he’s a hell of a lot better than Bum Gabbert. I don’t expect San Francisco to win, but for God’s Sake they have to be able to keep it within a touchdown. PLEASE!
Oakland Raiders (-1.5) over Kansas City Chiefs. I have been very impressed with the Raiders so far, as they have found a way to win almost every week this year, including three on the road. The wins have been far from pretty, but there’s no style points in the NFL. The Raiders pass defense is as bad as eating a heaping plate of Mexican food and then getting trapped in a traffic jam on a bridge with NO bathroom in sight. However, the good news for them is the Chiefs don’t have a dynamic passing game. Derek Carr should be able to do enough to put up 24-28 points which should be enough to beat Kansas City.
Dallas Cowboys (+4) over Green Bay Packers. This one is going to be a real litmus test for the 4-1 Cowboys after they dismantled the Bengals last week. Dak Prescott still hasn’t thrown an interceptions, and while my mother could run for 1,000 yards behind the Cowboy O-line, Exekiel Elliott looks like the real deal. Green Bay just hasn’t been as impressive on offense as I expected, and Eddie Lacy likely won’t play. While I think the Cowboys can win the game outright, I feel really confident that they can keep this game within a field goal at the worst.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+2) over Chicago Bears. I’ve been picking two teams all season, the Steelers and the Jaguars. One has been working out very well for me, the other not so much. I’ll let you guess which one is which. While Brian Hoyer has been playing well, he’s Brian Effin Hoyer! He’s not any good! And while Blake Bortles has been playing like a pile of yuck, he’s still too good to be this average. I’m worried about rookie Jordan Howard going off in a huge way, but I’m gonna stick by my Jags. I still don’t think that Jacksonville is bad enough to be getting points from the crappy Bears and they should win outright.
Jonesy’s Picks
Ryan is in first place and that reminds me of a lesson I learned a long time ago. That lesson is to never judge a CD by it’s cover. (for you millennials a CD is format in which music was stored for playback).
A sneak look at the inside of Jonesy’s college fridge. No wonder he’s a comedian
I learned this lesson in college when I lived with an enormous white man named Alexander. He was the whitest whitebread fella I had ever came across in my life. And he was a bit of a conservative overly well behaved guy that took no risks. He was made fun of in our circle of friends for not sleeping with girls on a first date or having those random hookups of one night stands. He used to say that he had to really feel a connection and like a girl a lot to have intercourse. And of course we just thought that shit was hilarious. Alexander studied his ass off, rarely partied and was President of the student body for 2 out of his 4 years at our school. BUT…. Alexander, for some reason, had a real affinity for drinking “forties”. I’m talking those real ghetto malt liquor 40oz-ers like Mad Cobra, you know the kind? Now this simply puzzled us all. We just couldn’t wrap our heads around how this all came about. Many theories were thrown around but they just didnt add up. But we liked this part of him. It let us all know that he WAS on some level a regular guy, that liked to get crunk along with the rest of us.
One funny anecdote I will share with you centers around Alexander’s drink preference. We would have the occasional keg party at this apartment and Alexander of course wouldn’t drink out of it because he had to have his forties. So one morning after one of these parties, Alexander’s parents paid us a visit unannounced. They were both school teachers that lived in the next town and they were pretty conservative people. Well they were aghast at the state of affairs in our little apartment that morning. A puddle of beer an inch thick wrapped around the kicked keg, solo cups were everywhere and there was a stranger or two passed out on the couch. Alexander’s mom surveyed the scene with disgust but she her greatest shock came with one item that she found on the kitchen table. And she held it up high and with horror asked, “Who in the world is drinking these big beers? I can’t believe these exist!” It was a fortie of Mad Cobra that belonged to her son. And I didn’t have the heart to tell her who’s it was.
With that said, Ryan, we all know that your current position is just a mirage. Cuz things are never what they seem…. 
xo
Jonesy
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Pittsburgh Steelers (-8) over Miami Dolphins
Tennessee Titans (-7.5) over Cleveland Browns
Kansas City Chiefs (+1.5) over Oakland Raiders
Arizona Cardinals (-7.5) over New York Jets
Green Bay Packers (-4) over Dallas Cowboys
Steve’s Picks
Buffalo Bills (-8) over San Francisco 49ers. Yes, the Niners are bad. However, that’s not why I’m picking the Bills to cover this week. I’m picking the Bills because they are playing very well right now, the 49ers have to travel from the west coast to the east coast to play in an early game which is always difficult, and finally and most importantly, because LeSean McCoy hates Chip Kelly and I think he’s going to have a monster game against his former, head coach. With Navarro Bowman lost for the season, I don’t think San Francisco will be able to slow him down and the Bills will coast to victory.
A close look at Steve when he does analysis for his picks
Kansas City Chiefs (+1.5) over Oakland Raiders. I just want you to know that although I’m not necessarily doing well this year, I take this shit very seriously. That includes a full research session which includes weather reports for each game. The forecast for this tilt in Oakland shows about 66 degrees, a 90% chance for rain with 20-30 MPH winds that has gusts up to 40 MPH. To me, that weather favors the Chiefs who have a better run game and a quarterback in Alex Smith who relies on the short pass rather than chucking the ball down the field. Eat it Hallam! You may be in the lead now, but it’s picks like this that will put me right back in the contest.
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over Washington Redskins. News broke this week that Redskins tight end, Jordan Reed was diagnosed with a concussion and his availability is looking pretty grim for this week’s division battle against the Eagles. Reed is their best offensive weapon and in my opinion, worth a point or two in Vegas lines. I will try to take any edge that I can get, no matter how small it may be, so I’m hoping that his absence means the Eagles cover a little more comfortably this week.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-8) over Miami Dolphins. In doing my research, I found an interesting statistic. The Miami Dolphins are dead last in the league in surrendering 150.8 rushing yards per game to opposing offenses. I’m not sure if you know this or not, but the Steelers have this guy named Le’Veon Bell, who is arguably, the best running back in football. In his two games back from suspension, he is averaging 5.5 yards per carry and is now set to explode this week in Miami. This one could get ugly.
Houston Texans (-3) over Indianapolis Colts. The Colts offensive line has been bad this year. Really bad. Despite Andrew Luck owning one of the quicker releases in football, the Colts have allowed the most sacks in the NFL to date (20). Despite losing JJ Watt, the Texans can still get to the quarterback and with Donte Moncrief still not back and Phillip Dorsett struggling, I think Houston can win this one more convincingly than the betting line shows. I love Lamar Miller breaking out in this one as well as Indy is tied for 28th in the NFL and are giving up 4.6 yards per carry. My prediction is that Houston win 27-21.
Kristi’s Picks
The Geek’s Music Picks last week positively ruled! Oh I really do love music. All kinds. Well, except maybe not Polka. I was listening to Plain White T’s – “Hey There Delilah” which naturally led me to “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane. Next thing I know I was toking a bit on the Hookah, fell down a rabbit hole and ended up in a Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland frame of mind. “We’re All Mad Here”
Kristi fell down the rabbit hole, can she climb out and get back to the top of the standings?
Pittsburgh Steelers (-8) over Miami Dolphins
“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Like the Dolphins winning this game. Dolphins run and pass Defense are both dreadful. “Let’s go back to yesterday, I was a different person then.” What happened to Ryan Tannehill this year? Sunday is a work day boys. The Steelers offense on the other hand is great. Ben Roethlisberger has Antonio Brown and Sammie Coates to decimate them in the passing game and Le’Veon Bell will be practicing for the 50 yard dash all day.
Detroit Lions (-3) over Los Angeles Rams
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?” With such logic I choose The Geek’s Lions this week to cover the spread. Matthew Stafford is throwing against a tough defense this week. On the other hand, I don’t foresee Rams quarterback Case Keenum able to lead their offense to score enough points, even against a Detroit defense that leaves a lot to be desired. Raawwrr!
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over Washington Redskins
Ryan, you should not get to comfortable after usurping the lead. You used to be much more… muchier. You’ve lost your muchness. Sit back and prepare for your coming Parlay defeat!
“Where should I go?” “That depends on where you want to end up.” Both of these NFC East teams want to end up in the playoffs and despite the Eagles loss to the Lions last week, I expect them to cover this spread. Carson Wentz has been looking beauteous with his ability to move his feet to run and pass. The Redskins Jordan Reed is not expected to play as he is still in concussion protocol.
Baltimore Ravens (+3) over New York Giants
“Mad Hatter: “Why is a raven like a writing-desk?”
“Have you guessed the riddle yet?” the Hatter said, turning to Alice again.
“No, I give it up,” Alice replied: “What’s the answer?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter”
I don’t have the slightest idea who is going to win this game but I am guessing this will be on Ryan’s craptastic list. When I look atthese two quarterbacks that you’d expect to be good that just aren’t connecting with their receivers enough. Giantss would seem to have an obvious edge in this game but I don’t really have that much faith in either. I see this as another battle of the defenses. I’m going with the “Not the Browns”, which this year isn’t something the Ravens are sweating.
Houston Texans (-3) over Indianapolis Colts
I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. No time to say Hello, Goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!
If the Texans lose this they will not be able to blame it on traffic in Boston like they tried to do in their week 3 performance against the Patriots shutout. Rumor has it Jonesy is petrified of being told “I’m Late” and we don’t want to scare him. Brock Osweiler has got to come through with all of that talent Houston has to work with. Poor Andrew Luck. I had him last year and he was great. The rest of the Colts offense leaves a lot to be desired and they can’t protect him. It doesn’t look good for Indy against a staunch Texan defense.
As far as my parlay competition goes, “You’re Entirely Bonkers, but I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are” Especially Jonesy. He thinks the world is Flat. Everybody knows it’s a Dome Dude!
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