We are now at the quarter pole for the Five Game Parlay, and through four weeks no one has run and hid with the lead. In fact, the standings couldn’t be any closer. Everyone was either 3-2 or 2-3 and the difference between first place and last place is only two games. Kristi continues to hold first place, but her grip on the lead is now tenuous at best. Both Ryan and Jonesy were the 3-2 pickers and are now just a game off the pace. Steve is sitting in the basement right now, but one week could flip the standings completely, so there’s no way that you can count any of us out this week.
Week 5 is upon us, and that means another fresh set of picks from the Fearsome Foursome. Who is going to have the best week? You decide! Here are the picks, standings, and twitter handles for the competitors.
Five Game Parlay Week 5
Kristi 11-9 (2-3)
Ryan 10-10 (3-2)
Jonesy 10-10 (3-2)
Steve 9-11 (2-3)
Ryan’s Picks
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) over New York Jets. I’ve been riding the Steelers a lot this season, and so far it has definitely worked in my favor. The Jets really need this one to avoid 1-4, but I don’t see it happening. The Pittsburgh offense is hitting on all cylinders right now, and the Jets……..well, the Jets passing game hasn’t been doing so well lately *cough* nine interceptions in two weeks *cough*. Look for the 3 B’s of Bell, Ben, and Brown to have a field day on a Jet defense that hasn’t lived up to its expectations in the first month of the season.
Sorry Steve, the Lions just suck
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over Detroit Lions. The Lions have found ways to lose to some really shitty teams this year in the Titans and Bears this week, so why do I think that they will be able to beat a team that looks pretty good in Philadelphia. Eagles and rookie quarterback Carson Wentz are coming off of their bye, and should be able to run up the score on the lowly Lions. Look for Philly to rack up at least 30 points, and to win this one by two touchdowns or more.
Minnesota Vikings (-6) over Houston Texans. I didn’t take the Vikings seriously when the season started, and then they lost their starting quarterback, running back, and a member of the offensive line. Somehow, they have gotten better. Not only that, but their defense might be the best in football. They have shut down multiple great offenses this season, and while the Texans are decent I see them really struggling to move the ball. The Vikings don’t score a lot of points but I can see them beating Houston by ten.
Indianapolis Colts (-4.5) over Chicago Bears. The Colts have not looked good this season in the first quarter, and last week blew the game against the Jaguars. Somehow they played last week in London and the NFL didn’t give them Week 5 for their bye. Even with all of that working against them, the Bears just suck. I know they won last week, but see above about the Lions. I am a little worried about laying 4.5 points with the Colts, but they have to be good enough to beat the Bears by six or more.
Tennessee Titans (+3.5) over Miami Dolphins. I think this one comes down to one thing, the Dolphins aren’t good enough to be giving points to ANYONE right now, especially more than a field goal. The Titans haven’t looked good either, but I have more faith in their running game and defense that they will pull this one out, or at worst get beat by a last minute field goal. Marcus Mariota is better than he’s played so far, and I’m not sure that Ryan Tannehill is. Give me Tennessee.
Jonesy’s Picks
Hey everyone!
I can’t believe I’m in first place, this is amazing! Oh, hold on, I’ve been informed that I am not in first place. That’s strange. I had a great week, how did this happen? This reminds me of the time that I was given a trophy for being a part of a championship little league baseball team, only to have that trophy later taken away because my parents didn’t pay my league fees. In their defense I did miss half of the season because I had chicken pox. And if you’ve ever had chicken pox in the humid summer of New England you know how uncomfortable that can be. Back when I was a kid they didn’t have chicken pox “parties” like they do now. These days you can pick the season you want your kid to have the pox so as to not miss important summertime events like Jew camp, Lawn-Dart tournaments or, as was popular in my neighborhood – “kick the wigger”.
As I think back on all this I’m so grateful for my fortunate childhood. Although it was tough living in a 1 room apartment with 7 brothers and 2 cats at least my parents weren’t Nuclear Power Plant employees, such as was the case with my neighbor Paul. Poor Paul wasn’t allowed to play sports in our community because of a condition called “second hand radiation”. Second hand radiation is a serious affliction that hurts those who’s immediate family or friends work full-time with radioactive waste. I for one suggested that Paul participate in a sport that required a uniform that covered most of his body – for instance a hockey goalie would have been perfect as no one would be able to see Paul’s catastrophic face and body deformities underneath all that equipment. That was just my way of trying to get Paul involved in everything we youngsters did at the time. I felt bad for him. I wonder where Paul is these days. Of if he is even still alive.
Well, anyway, I’m looking forward to the games this week everyone! Let’s all have a blast!
XO
Jonesy
Minnesota Vikings ( -6) Houstinks Texans
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) New York Jerks
Denver Broncos (-6) Snotlanta Falcons
New England Patriots (-10) BereaveLand Browns
Cincinnati Bengals (PK) Dallas Cowboys
Steve’s Picks
I have to say that this season of the Fighting Chance Parlay has been very fun for me. Ryan is still not very good at making picks, Jonesy is in the process of buying a baby overseas from a catalogue, and newcomer and Fighting Chance Fan Kristi has been kicking some major ass. She has not only been making good picks, but her write ups have been excellent as well and I have been very impressed. However, that’s why I’m gunning for her this week. A few weeks ago, Kristi consulted my three year old (who was in the contest last year) and she got in my head a bit. That’s why this week, I’m going to try and get in hers. She’s a huge fan of music, so I’m going to dip into my playlist and see if I can use her own love for tunes against her. For each game, I am going to pick a song that is actually in my own music file and cite the lyrics as to why I selected each team. You will get to know me a little better and hopefully it can get inside Kristi’s head and shake her up a bit at the same time.
Hey Jonesy! You looking for a kid here you can have this one! Sincerely, Steve
PS…Jonesy, as a father of three kids myself, you can have one or two of my kids. Please, please take them!!!
PPS…Jonesy (Part 2) I tried to watch your Earth is Flat special on Battlecam the other night and all I could find was a channel of two dudes smoking pot and a housewife doing dishes. That’s the honest truth, too. Unfortunately I never could find your show. Those dishes were fucking clean though, so the night was still a success in my book.
Houston Texans (+6) over Minnesota Vikings
Money Grabber by Fitz and the Tantrics
“Don’t come back anytime, I’ve already had your kind.
This is your pay back, money grabber.
Don’t come back anytime, you’ve already run me dry.
This is your pay back, money grabber.”
Has there been a bigger “Money Grabber” in the NFL than Sam Bradford??? Before this season, Bradford’s career earnings have been a whopping $78 million and he had thrown a total of 78 touchdown passes through 2015. A million bucks a touchdown pass? Yup! For a guy who misses more football games than Ryan misses pitches at the batting cages, he’s been a waste. He’s also cost both the Eagles and Vikings high draft picks to acquire his services. Dummies! Anyways, I like Minnesota in this contest, but not at a 6 point spread. The Vikings have not scored more than 25 points this season and they are going up against a good defense in the Texans. Stefon Diggs missed practice on Friday and is danger of missing the game as well. I can see this one being a 14-10 or 20-17 contest. Sign me up for the Texans, Fitz!
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over Detroit Lions
Scars by Papa Roach
“I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much.”
I think this one is pretty self explanatory. The Lions have broken my heart so many times that I have scars on top of my scars on top of my scars. Jim Schwartz knows Matthew Stafford better than anyone and with the Eagles coming off a bye and having an extra week to prepare, I love their chances this week. Carson Wentz has looked every bit the part of a franchise quarterback, and Matt Stafford is…well, Matt Stafford. 31-17 Eagles in another Heartbreaker for Lions fans.
Los Angeles Rams (-2.5) over Buffalo Bills
Santeria by Sublime
“I don’t practice Santeria
I ain’t got no crystal ball
Well I had a million dollars but I,
I’d spend it all”.
If I did have a million dollars, I would call up my bookie and place it on the 3-1 Rams this weekend in my lock of the week. Rex Ryan and the Bills are in for an emotional letdown after beating the Patriots last week and with them flying across the country to play on the West coast, I’m not liking the Bills at all in Week 5. I think it will still be a relatively low scoring affair, but the Rams will win 20-10.
New England Patriots (-10) over Cleveland Browns
Amazing by Kanye West
“It’s Amazing
I’m the reason
Everybody fired up this evening”.
Let’s be honest, no one would give two shakes about this game if it weren’t for Tom Brady returning from his four game suspension this Week. Brady is the reason everybody fired up (not everybody “is” fired up btw…thanks Kanye) and he’s going to throw for three or four touchdowns as the Pats cruise to an easy 35-17 victory. Sorry for your loss, Kristi.
Green Bay Packers (-7.5) over New York Giants
Water’s Edge by Seven Mary Three
“Don’t go there” I heard her say
“You can’t stomach what you’re going to see”
It’s down there, by the water’s edge
Wasted and bloated and waiting for someone else”.
I’m not sure that Seven Mary Three was referring to the water’s edge of Green Bay, but the Giants travel there this week and I don’t think you’re going to be able to stomach what the Packers are going to do to the Giants. If you want to beat the Packers, you have to do it through the air, and considering Eli Manning has only thrown one touchdown (and three interceptions) in the last three weeks, I’m a little scared for New York. Green Bay is coming off a bye and this could be a huge week for Packers fantasy players. Green Bay takes this one 37-24.
Kristi’s Picks
Kristi is the only one with the guts to pick her Browns this week
Cleveland Browns (+10) over New England Patriots. I have been watching Rocky Balboa movies all week waiting for this moment. I get to watch the Brady Bunch destroy my Dawgs this week. Welcome back Tom, I hope you enjoyed Italy. If you lose it won’t matter how many Super Bowl Rings you have, you will never live it down. As Ryan would say, It’s TOM FREAKING BRADY! The Hype surrounding this is phenomenal. Vegas has raised this half a point. My Dawgs think halftime is the end of the game. If the Pats cover this, Vegas goes broke. I’ll pick the Browns because I will be the first one out with the shit talking memes if my second favorite team doesn’t cover 10. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. They did one where Rocky lost. I have pooled together all the magic of all Unicorns in all Universes. Go Dawgs!
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over Detroit Lions. Eagles Quarterback Carson Wentz is looking good. The Lions pass defense should be generous. Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford did not have a good week against the Bears last week. The Eagles are rested up after their Bye. It doesn’t really matter because all I am thinking about this week is the Pats and Browns game. Oh, and I am a bit disappointed that Steve chose Brad Pitt over Ryan on National Boyfriend day. I thought you two were Bromos. (Hallam Note: Me too Kristi, me too. Sad face emoji)
Oakland Raiders (-3.5) over San Diego Chargers. I am a fan so I obviously do not watch every game. That is what Ryan and The Geek are for. I have heard a lot of Chargers fans not happy though and I listen to a team’s fans. They keep getting in their own way. Raiders quarterback Derek Carr is conservative but consistent with getting his team moving the ball up the field. In an AFC West game at home, Raiders should take this nice, slow and easy. I’m still thinking about the Browns game and Tom Brady. Eye of the Tiger by Survivor is on loop in my mind.
New York Giants (+7.5) over Green Bay Packers. The Giants need to either Bench Odell Beckham Junior like time outs every time he has an outburst or hand him the ball enough to shut him up. Cruz and Manning are good Mentors and if he doesn’t get his act together, Ryan will get to watch him implode his career. The Giants seem to be sticking with the short term looking for a win. Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers had a great arm, but their pass defense had trouble with the Lions. Packers also have a few returning to their defense this week but I think the Giants should cover with 7.5 with Beckham the Brat.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) over New York Jets. Things are not looking good for the Jets here. Ryan Fitzpatrick has looked awful this year despite having some good wide receivers to target for the Jets. Even if the Jets run defense can halt Bell, Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown are going to connect often for the Steelers.
I just noticed the new Season of Supernatural is on Netflix, so I guess that is a good sign for my Browns. Sam and Dean have taught me to defy all logic. Jonesy is going to push me off The Edge if the Browns actually win. Then I could stop being self effacing all year when picking my Dawgs. *Sigh* Unicorns.
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