We have our first perfect week of the year in the Five Game Parlay and it comes from the rookie! Kristi (@shinypompoms) went a flawless 5-0 last week to vault her into the lead as we come to the quarter pole of the NFL season. Steve’s Lions, her Browns, Dallas, Oakland all won for her, and she picked against my 49ers to make it five wins for the week. Many of us might not do that the entire season, but Kristi has done it in the first three weeks. Jonesy nearly matched her win for win and got himself back in the thick of things with four wins. It certainly seems that him coming clean about trying to shop for a baby from another country has changed his luck. Steve and I both were 2-3 and went from the top of the standings to the bottom. So after three weeks, Kristi is two games in front of the three boys as we go to Week 4. Without any more of my mumbling, here are this week;s picks and standings
Five Game Parlay Week 4
Kristi 9-6 (5-0) @shinypompoms
Jonesy 7-8 (4-1) @funnyjones
Ryan 7-8 (2-3) @fightingchance
Steve 7-8 (2-3) @fantasygeek37
Ryan’s Picksr
It is the last week without Brady and Belicheck couldn’t be happier
New England Patriots(-4.5) over Buffalo Bills. This is the last game that Jonesy’s Patriots have to play without Tom Brady, and I am fully expecting them to finish the suspension with a 4-0 record. Jimmy Garappolo has made a name for himself during this time, and he should finish off his playing time in style. Buffalo had its way with the Cardinals last week, but this is New England. Bill Belicheck is certainly whipping up a magical game plan that features eye of newt, lizard blood, and a chicken egg in his creepy cauldron of success. The Pats win this one easy.
Oakland Raiders (+3) over Baltimore Ravens. I continue to refuse to believe in Baltimore, while I blindly continue to back the Raiders. Oakland played a similar team last week in Tennessee, and I expect them to win this one by a touchdown as well. Baltimore’s offense is like quick sand and I don’t think they can score enough to keep up with the Raiders.
New Orleans Saints (+4) over San Diego Chargers. It is the battle of the shitty defenses! And when I say shitty defenses, I mean the green baby poop that goes up their backs and gets all over their clothes and your hands as you try to get them clean. Or maybe after the Cinco De Mayo Mexican buffet that you wash down with Pabst Blue Ribbon, and all of the refried beans you can handle. That’s how shitty these two defenses are. But I have far more confidence in the Saints offense with the Chargers decimated by injuries so give me the Saints.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-5.5) over Kansas City Chiefs. Two weeks ago I picked the Steelers because my buddy Ron went to the game as his final “single” getaway before getting married. This time I’ll pick them because he’s gonna join me for a fun Sunday of football. Oh wait, it’s the 8:00 game? Oh, he will be sleeping by then. How about I pick the Steelers because they are better and the Chiefs still didn’t blow out the Jets even though they were able to get six interceptions.
Carolina Panthers (-3) over Atlanta Falcons. This one seems fairly easy to me. The Panthers are coming off of a bad loss, and can’t afford to start the season 1-3. Atlanta played Monday night, and their defense is really bad. After having their way with the Saints defense, the Falcons will be in a shock with the stiff Panthers D. Look for Carolina to win by ten.
Kristi’s Picks
Indianapolis Colts (-2.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars. The Geek’s kid was totally right. There is no good reason to think so hard. The quarter flipping thing works! A 5-0 week for me suckers. Now down to business. Being the odd, genius, bubble head that I am, I did not realize the NFL was playing games in London. Why would a team sacrifice a home game for that, especially in an AFC South rival game? Jags are probably hoping that the Colts will be tired and get lost for their first London game. All I can picture now is the Colts bus driving in constant circles around Big Ben and Parliament. With the way these two teams are playing I am not sure they are worried about getting left. Quarterbacks Andrew Luck for the Colts and Blake Bortles for the Jags are having enough trouble trying to get Right. *Hint – Try to throw the ball to the guys wearing the same color jersey as you. Both defenses are crap. Indianapolis has the less dreadful pass defense, the better quarterback and an advantage in wide receiver talent.
Cleveland Browns (+8) over Washington Redskins. The Browns have serious issues even with new Coach Hue Jackson. I am aware even Dawg fans struggle to watch our games sometimes, which they seem to stop playing around halftime. That is why it was fun to see Terrelle Pryor get a chance to play several offensive roles in a single game. Ryan’s a little butt hurt the Toddler called him out for cheating. Nobody will shut up about how badly the Browns suck and Ryan kicked the slamming up a notch on the Fighting Chance Fantasy Sports show Wednesday so, bite me! Quarterback Kessler comes back for the Browns so Pryor will have more energy for catching and running. Washington’s Kirk Cousins hopefully forgets how to play again after a nice week last week. Foreskins lose to the seriously outmatched Browns on the Spread because I have a tenuous grip on reality.
New England Patriots (-4.5) over Buffalo Bills. I keep thinking this one is some kind of trick. Like maybe the peeps in Vegas set up a joke to make it easy for me to pick of Jonesy’s team. With the Patriots only giving 4.5 at home in Foxboro, Belichick could suit up Jonesy as the QB and let him kick Buffalo in their hairy ballsacks himself. It doesn’t matter who the Pats end up playing at quarterback. They are a far superior team. I have no idea why so many previews are touting the Bills after last week. Both of Brady’s back ups are probably looking at a long time before getting another shot at seeing the field. Seriously? Go Patriots!
Could Uncle Rico help the 49ers turn their season around?
Dallas Cowboys (-3) Over San Francisco 49ers. The 49ers are still playing like the goal of the game is to lose. Their passing offense is in the toilet. Quarterback Blaine Gabbert is struggling to convert on third downs. Colin Kaepernick, who went vegan last year, finally admitted the subsequent weight loss is affecting his ability to play. Coach Kelly is not likely to play him on the field until he gains some weight. I suggest a big glass of castor oil to start, followed by a steady diet of corn oil deep fried Nutella and avocado sandwiches. I have not told my Step-father, the man responsible for my undying Browns love, I am actually liking Dallas this year. I might get disowned. Dak Prescott is still looking good with 99 passes and zero interceptions entering Week 4. Even before Dez incurred a hairline knee fracture last week, Prescott was throwing to Witten and Beasley often with success. Add rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott to that mix and Dallas runs over the 49ers like a highlights real of Jenner parodies on South Park.
Denver Broncos (-3) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This looks like another gift on the spread. Firing a couple coaches does not appear to have done Tampa any favors. They have a few guys on offense I like but going against Denver’s brick wall defense is going to be tough since they don’t have the Kool Aid man on their Offensive line to ram through it. Broncos Quarterback Trevor Siemian is not fabulous, but he’s got plenty of talent to work with against a generous Buccaneers Defense. I predict another sad day for Tampa fans. Denver wins by more than three points and I stay in the lead. I at least stay ahead of The Geek because he thrashed me in Fantasy Football last week and I need to keep up appearances!
Steve’s Picks
Alright…this week’s parlay unfortunately has to be a little different. See, friend of Fighting Chance Fantasy Jason Siler is a huge fan of the Green Bay Packers. Although he’s a fan of our site/show, Jason and I have become bitter, arch enemies through the years and when he saw that the Packers were playing my hometown Lions last week, he wanted to put something on the game. Since the hatred grows deep between us, we decided that the loser had to write a love letter about the other, and that is far worse than any monetary wager we could have placed. Here’s how the wager went down. He wanted to bet straight up, but with a 7.5 point spread, I wasn’t biting. He was too much of a, ummmm, “kitty cat” and being the wonderful, nice, humanitarian that I am, I floated him two points so our bet was that he had the Packers and gave me only 5.5 points. Wouldn’t you know it…the Packers won by seven points so if he were a man, he would have lost the bet. Instead, due to my kindness, here is my love letter to Jason Siler.
Roses are Red,
Siler’s eyes are Blue.
He loves the Green Bay Packers,
And likes to drink cheap Brew.
He smells of Cheese,
With a waft of Cabbage.
But he’s a good Gambler,
So I’m paying my Homage.
If I wan’t a nice Guy,
I would have won the Bet.
Instead he’s the Winner,
So I’m paying my Debt.
Here’s one last Verse,
For me to show my Love.
So congrats Jason Siler,
My sweet Turtle Dove.
Sorry, if this love letter sounded a little forced, it’s because it’s kind of like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Here are my Week 4 picks:
Seattle Seahawks (-1.5) over New York Jets
Tennessee Titans (+6.5) over Houston Texans
Dallas Cowboys (-3) over San Francisco 49ers
San Diego Chargers (-4) over New Orleans Saints
New York Giants (+4) over Minnesota Vikings
Jonesy’s Picks
Baltimore Ravens (-3) over Oakland Raiders
Seattle Seahawks (-1.5) over New York Jets
Denver Broncos (-3) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Atlanta Falcons (+3) over Carolina Panthers
Indianapolis Colts (-2.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars
My girlfriend chose these.
Thats the joke.
I can’t even do this any more.
Im simply awful. Awful.
I was so confident all these years, but not so now!
At least I stll have the Patriots.
XO
Jonesy
(Hallam Note: Jonesy tried this controversial ‘letting my girlfriend choose my games’ strategy last year with pretty good results. That, and Steve’s awful choke job, propelled him to the championship. He is going to it a little early this year, let’s see if it pays off.
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