OH BOY! The Fantastic Four weren’t exactly fantastic in our Five Game Parlay picks of Week 10, and in fact two of us failed to win a game. Despite the fact that Steve told me how confident that he was coming into the week, he failed to win a game. The Panthers, Saints, Jets, Falcons, and Packers are let him down. Kristi, unfortunately, was the other contestant who failed to register a W on Sunday. They picked four of the games the same, but while Steve lost with Panthers, Kristi lost with the Chargers. Jonesy and I both went 2-3 which isn’t good, but looked like professionals next to the other two jokers. Unfortunately for our resident funny man, he is still in the basement, but just a single win and a tie separates him from second place. I have a little bit of a cushion right now sitting in first place, but I’ve been doing this long enough to know that we are a long way from the finish! I mean look at last year. Steve had a much bigger lead than I have right now and he coughed it up as he choked down the stretch! #sorrynotsorry.
On that happy note, let’s go ahead and get to the picks as well as the standings as we head into Week 11! Follow us all on Twitter!
Five Game Parlay Week 11
Ryan 27-23 (@fightingchance)
Kristi 21-27-2 (@shinypompoms)
Steve 21-28-1 (@fantasygeek37)
Jonesy 20-29-1 (@funnyjones)
Ryan’s Picks
New York Giants -7 over Chicago Bears. I’m not sure if this is more of me picking the Giants or picking against the Bears. Rookie Jordan Howard has looked very good on the ground, but quarterback Jay Cutler has looked like a blind man at times. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for some of the passes I’ve watched him throw in the last couple games. The Bears were blown out last weekend by the Bucs, so why should this week be any different? The Giants defense, especially the secondary is coming alive, and I think that will be enough to keep Chicago at 17 points or fewer. Eli Manning and that epic A-hole Odell Beckham should be able to find some holes in the defense, and I expect the Giants to win by 10-14 points.
Dallas Cowboys -7 over Baltimore Ravens. I keep picking the Cowboys, and I keep being rewarded! Dak, Zeke, and that massive offensive line seems to be impossible to stop as they pulled one out of the hat last week in Pittsburgh. The Ravens defense is good, but not good enough to stop this freight train, not in Dallas. In Baltimore might be a slightly different story, but the Ravens offense isn’t good enough to put up points with the ‘Boys and I can see Dallas winning this one by ten or more.
Looks like it will be 0-11 after Sunday for the Browns
Pittsburgh Steelers -7.5 over Cleveland Browns. Often when a team loses a close one, or a game they feel like they should have one, they take it out on their next opponent. I’m concerned about giving more than a touchdown to a home underdog within the same division, but if the Steelers don’t flex their muscles this week against the winless, hapless, pathetic Browns, they might want to roll up the tent on the 2016 season. Coach Mike Tomlin has to stop this stupid nonsense with the two point conversions. If you don’t have faith in your kicker, then get a new kicker. If you are doing it because you think it is cool……it is not! Kick the damn extra point! I don’t think the Steelers are ready to be written off yet and I think they do enough to cover the spread.
New England Patriots -12.5 over San Francisco 49ers. Despite the fact that I picked the Niners last week with the huge line and lost the game, I’m gonna do it again this week when they face the Pats. New England has to be none too happy after losing to the Seahawks on Sunday night, and should just pummel the Niners from pillar to post. Remember the Ronda Rousey/Holly Holm fight where Ronda got knocked the eff out? I kinda see the Niners having a similar feeling when the Patriots get done with them on Sunday.
Oakland Raiders -6 over Houston Texans. In the spirit of this game being in Mexico City I am going to do my explanation for this game completely in Spanish. Brock Osweiler es no bueno. Cuando Texans de Houston jugar un buen equipo, ellos pierden. David Carr es El Hombre! Amari Cooper correra muy rapido con manos buenos. Raiders ganar por diez puntos.
Kristi’s Picks
After going 5-0 with the help of The Geeks son Sawyer to 0-5 when I decided to pretend I knew what I was doing, logic this week has gone out the window. Forget it. I attribute all results to a site I use for Raffles and other random party game winners. Screw thinking. Every team Ryan sent me this week, in the order he sent them, I assigned a number 1 – 26. The first 5 that Random.org spit out are my pick winners. They can’t do worse than my performance last week!
Dallas Cowboys (-7) over Baltimore Ravens. I have taken into account a Dallas fan might have put the Whammy Jammy on me last week. With Jerry Jones putting the Franchises darling Romo on the Bench, Dak Prescott knows he has to perform. Will the Ravens defense hold back Dez and Ezekial? Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” Makes me a little nervous. I actually would have picked this game!
A look inside Kristi’s head
Jacksonville Jaguars (+6.5) over Detroit Lions. Here is a game I would not have picked this way but Random.org said go for it. The Geek’s Lions would have been my choice with Matthew Stafford’s great passing. The Jaguars have been playing as crappy as my parlay picks last week. “In the Jungle, the Mighty Jungle, The Lions sleep Tonight” Now my brain is A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh. Go Jags!
Chicago Bears (+7) over New York Giants. Seriously could have used the extra half point here. I wouldn’t even have picked Chicago with Jay Cutler over the Browns at this point. Random says the dog humped a hole in the Stuffy Bears, but they are now patched up. Chicago is going to win, and all that Jazz.
New England Patriots (-12.5) over San Francisco 49ers. Jonesy, what happened to the Pats last week man? I was watching your Tom Brady Land (Song) from 5 years ago. Thanks for the Eye Candy. The song was funny too. Totally better than Adam Sandler. Plus I learned a thing or two, and not just about Brady. Ryan typically I would not like this spread after last week, but even if Colin continues to throw well San Francisco, is still horrendous. Not to mention, IT’S TOM FREAKING BRADY! Pats are going to have themselves a little San Francisco Treat this week.
Tennessee Titans (+3) over Indianapolis Colts. “Hey, I challenge you to a game of horse shoe!” Marcus Mariota and company have a pretty good run game. Andrew’s Lucky Star would need to disintegrate for this. Speaking of Arrested Development, Titans have a better chance if somebody has explained to rookie Tajae Sharpe that one touchdown does not mean you get to lie down and sleep the rest of your career. “For some strange reason it had to be, He guided me to Tennessee.”
Jonesy’s Picks
[excerpt from my personal journal]
Ouch, another Browns burn
I’m sleeping on a couch with a torn rotator cuff. I wrote a song about it in fact….
I had a meeting with an agent yesterday. They happened to be shooting some shitty film at their office at the same time I was there. (Why even take a meeting I wondered?). In the middle of my chat with the agent in her private offic, the lights went out. That’s for the purpose of the filming, she said. We had half our meeting in near complete darkness. I could only see her face in the light of her computer. She told me she wanted to represent me. I wondered: How? She can’t even see me……
I bought a car that’s so old and shitty that one day I noticed someone had placed a “We Buy Junk Cars” business card on my door handle. My shitty car was thus profiled as such…
I did a job the other day where I played a cat astronaut in space. It was shot in front of a green screen so my head will be replaced by a cartoon cat in a space helmet and no one will know it’s me. This is a good thing because portraying a catstronaut is not something someone my age should be proud of….
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5) over Cleveland Browns
Miami Dolphins (-1.5) over Los Angeles Rams
Washington Redskins (-2.5) over Green Bay Packers
Minnesota Vikings (+1) over Arizona Cardinals
New York Giants (-7) over Chicago Bears
xoxo,
Jonesy
Steve’s Picks
Jacksonville Jaguars (+6.5) over Detroit Lions. The Lions win games by passing the ball, and the Jags’ pass defense is surprisingly, a top five unit in the NFL. Plus, the Lions give up passing statistics by the bushel, so even though Blake Bortles has struggled, I think Jacksonville can score some points against Detroit. Detroit may still squeak out a win, but six and a half points are way too many.
Arizona Cardinals (-1) over Minnesota Vikings. How does Minnesota win this game? Seriously, I don’t see any realistic path to victory for the Vikings. Other than Stefon Diggs, Minnesota has nothing on the offensive side of the ball, and he should see a healthy dose of one of the best cornerbacks in the league, Patrick Peterson. Their defense has also struggled and I could easily see Arizona win this one by ten or more points. Go Cards!
Looks like it’s gonna be an ugly beating for the Niners by New England this week!
New England Patriots (-12.5) over San Francisco 49ers. This one comes down to one thing. The Patriots lost last week and they are going to be mad!!! Poor, San Francisco… The Patriots take this one 78-4 and they make Colin Kaepernick feel “unPATRIOTic” for not voting. See what I did there? #PatsHimselfOnBack
Baltimore Ravens (+7) over Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys are a good team, but they face the Ravens who boast the leagues best defense in yards per game. Too bad their offense is Crappy McCraps A lot. That being said, this game is closer than the spread in my opinion. They won’t be able to stop Zeke, but they can at least contain him enough to keep the score within a touchdown.
Seattle Seahawks (-6) over Philadelphia Eagles. Our guy, Russell Wilson is back! He’s now healthy and playing like the Russell Wilson that Ryan and I love! Well, I do anyway. Ryan is still keeping his affection for Wilson in the closet. Carson Wentz has been struggling and I think this Seahawk defense gives him fits. He may be a good quarterback for years to come, but that ain’t happenin’ this week. Seahawks will cruise to victory, 27-14.
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